Manic-Depression and Me, This Week

This one is called ‘Portrait of an Addled Mind’. I am that addled mind.

Recently, I’ve been all over the place, manic-depressive. One minute I have enough energy to be irritable with the slowness of work, life and society- and yet that energy I want to use for the sabotage of others and the fierce anger of screaming, screaming and stabbing; the next, I cannot continue the work I have thrown my self into because of the previous negative anger turning into a sadness that I can do nothing to quell, not even the rhythm of my heart when it is connected to headphones, or the thrumming of poetry and prose at my fingertips. There’s nothing in those low times, when I just want to lie down at stare at the blank whiteness of the ceiling. The blank whiteness of my emotions that have come to drop.

To put it shortly: I’m a mess. Hence, the disorganised structure of not having posted anything lately. I have three new posts written down in a notebook, but I have not the energy to go around typing them up. There’s so much I wish to do, but so little energy to be happy beginning.

Here’s the thing… *deep breath*

One of my closest friends is leaving and I’m struggling with my emotions over him. I cannot say that the entirety of my thoughts in the past have been innocent; I am a twisted soul and I cannot deny that I have been one my entire life. He might just be an obsession of mine, a power that I want to control, to feel secure, to feel whole. He is a positive trigger of mine, and also a negative trigger. Hence the fact that my emotional and physical health is all over the place. When I see him- and when he gives his patented grin- I soar, more guardian angel, eager to protect, than Eagle and my emotions delight it his words- in his everything, even. I delight in him, but I still want to give to him what he has given to me, the Glory of it all. Yet, it doesn’t last. When I am away from him, my fingers rage. They go into a mode of tapping that I cannot control, and my mind will simply not stay put.

On the other hand, if I have a day, like today, where I do not see or hear from him at all, I begin to self-implode, a black hole. I turn in on myself, for there must be a reason involving me (perhaps he has finally realised how insane I actually am) for his absence from my side. This darkness wells up, seeping from my eyes as tears and everything that I have planned goes straight out the window, just as it always would. Oh, how I wish I would be able to control this mental madness of mine.

However, I disagree with that summation I have just created. I have the urge to say that I am not an evil being, that my heart, however utterly twisted it is, is not one that refuses to love for lust. I have known this certain person for nigh on six and a half years, so I cannot say that it is solely of a self-centred nature. If it is obsession due to mental illness, then it is an obsession that has grown, mutated and reflected on the ill-nature of the past. That cannot be, in my opinion, a true obsession, since it seems to indicate something more. But what can I say to prove that I am not weaving myself a web of lies? I have tricked myself before.

I cannot deny, no matter what, that he is the cause of the flux in my emotions and works. I haven’t posted because I have been incredibly busy, getting back into a change of lessons…but it has also been because my mind has not wanted to post at all. WordPress matters to me, but sometimes it doesn’t, too. Each project I have started has been replaced by another and another, skipping between the all of them. The WordPress projects just fall behind.

And then the phrases of music I am listening to jump from the poetically praising to the heavy, cursive beats of light-and-progressive rock. I used to use music to alter my mood, to cheer me, but now it does nt seem possible to do such cheering. Only writing can be the taker of pain. I know when I am ill, I know when I am having a series of episodes when I cannot tell the difference between joy and rage, happy highs that are true or the false pull of euphoria.

Do you have any specific pieces of music that spark open emotions or that are burning into musicality because of emotions inside?

Alexandrina.

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