Thrice Denying

I know there are others with heftier crosses than me, but mine has been weighing on my shoulders. Out of all of the tests that may lie in my way to taking his spirit, my greatest has taken the shape of Peter’s – I find myself shying away from admitting I am going to be confirmed as a Catholic.

Of course, in a Catholic school and as the Chaplaincy Prefect, it was easy – I had my own hold on life, even when the minority in our school were the devout Catholics.

Yet, out in the ‘real world’ now, it’s less easy for me to say it, word for word. I am asked from where I’ve come so early on a Sunday, though I know I am with friends and fellow Christians, I feel uneasy saying ‘church’. Even when the service has been good.

For my Journey to Faith classes, I disappear for two hours on Tuesday evenings. People ask me where I am going, and I’m more inclined to say “a thing”. To the family, it is the hardest to admit.

I have been thrice denying.

Am I ashamed of my faith? In my heart, I don’t feel ashamed. Sometimes I can’t verbalise the verbosities in my mind – do I feel my words are inadequate for ineffable spirit?

I can’t objectively answer that.

What I do know is of that personal part of me that never tells anybody anything. It’s just another terrible facet of my personality, a trial from which I find no escape.

I don’t want to deny who I am or what I heartfeltedly believe – so why do I keep skirting the questions? And – ah, the questions of my own. Regardless of my old self, I had hoped I’d take the spirit’s guidance for truth on this matter.

I guess I’ll keep praying, keep thinking, and certainly keep hoping as I look up to the new year and what is coming for me. God bless.


6 thoughts on “Thrice Denying

  1. Although I’m not a Catholic, nor planning to become one, I can sympathise with you. I struggle daily to live a Christian life. One of the many things I lack is patience and also I don’t spend enough time focusing on my faith – I certainly could do with reading the Bible more!!

    I hope and pray for you that your faith increases as time goes on, for whatever denomination we are, as Christians faith and our belief are central to living a Christian life.

    1. Thanks for the comment and the prayers. I agree that we are Christians no matter our denomination; it is silly to be at ends over the style of worship and such. I, too, ought to read The Bible more. The are times when it slips my mind so much… Anyhoo, I’m rambling. Thanks again.

  2. I don’t think you should worry so much. Most people are typically cool with you being religious. I think a lot are impressed with the commitment to go to church or related activities. In the end, you should never be afraid to be yourself—all parts of yourself. I know it’s probably tougher in England where people tend to be a bit more secular, but it may be good for your friends to witness a true believer. I’ll be praying for you too. 😀

    1. Aww, thanks Jae. I guess you’re right. I guess we English have still retained that typically starch attitude to self-expression. I see a lot of American Christians my age online we are very positive and outspoken about being saved – but there are a lot less Brits with that same attitude. I wouldn’t say we’re particularly more secular – but, then again, I’m a psychologist, not an anthropologist.

      1. Most of the Americans like that live in the south. Go to some parts of California or New York and you’d find people with your same worry. I think all you need to do is just fear less that it comes up, don’t worry about being as outspoken. 🙂

  3. I remember the feeling of ambiguously telling people what I was doing and where I was going when I was in RCIA. Even though the majority of my friends still don’t understand why I left Evangelicalism for Catholicism, they really respect the decision and conviction which a convert exhibits.

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